Doug felt like a kid on Christmas morning as he cut the lock off the storage shed door. He and his wife Beth had won the shed in an auction after they decided that shed auctions could make them a good bit of money via internet sales. They were a bit nervous that they might open it and find only old broken furniture and moth eaten clothes, but they were excited that they might instead find valuable possessions left behind by someone who had fallen upon hard times.
When the door rolled up into its spool hanging from the ceiling, neither one of then knew what to make of what they saw. There were four tightly rolled carpets leaning against the wall that looked like they could be from any of the carpet producing countries in the Middle East , but were more likely from a Mexican factory and sold through a discount store. They didn’t have to even unroll them however to know that they were old and barely holding together. Next to those was a collection of four containers with badly sculpted animal heads. They looked to be clay and hand made by a high school art student who maintained a c average at best. The final item was a crumbly looking clay box that was about the size and shape of a large shoe box that a pair of winter boots might come in. The top of the box was covered with etchings that were clearly intended to look like hieroglyphics, but were etched with the same lack of talent that the containers displayed and were in no discernable pattern. All and all it looked like they had just walked in on a seventh grade history or art project that would never win an award.
“Well, this was a waist of five hundred dollars,” Beth said to Doug as much as to herself.
“I don’t know, maybe their antiques” he replied optimistically.
“No Doug, their crap. They took anything worth taking and left their trash before skipping on the bill,” she answered defeatedly as she walked over to one of the carpets and pushed it over.
Doug went over to the odd box and bent to pick it up. He heaved it up with a grunt and examined the pattern on the top.
“Well this is neat,” he said as he carried the box over to his disappointed wife.
“Not five hundred dollars neat. I’ve seen more believable King Tut stuff at the dollar store.”
“Yea, well… I think it’s neat. Well come on. Let’s haul this crap home”
“Home to the dump” she muttered as she bent to lift the containers with a grunt.
Together they loaded their expensive letdown into the back of the truck and drove home. Once there, they moved it all into the garage and headed inside to make some dinner. Between bites of their Salmon, they talked over the pros and cons of biding on another shed. Neither one of them wanted to get ripped off again but both still felt like the gamble was worth it. The argument was that with the economy failing more and more people were loosing their house and moving into storage that they would also loose, so chances were that they would come out ahead if they kept at it. The down side was that if they did get something great nobody would be willing to spend money for it, and they would feel guilty about taking someone’s last piece of their earthly belongings. By the end of dinner, they decided to sleep on it and bring it back up over breakfast.
After dinner the two cleared the table and washed their dishes before filling their coffee cups and heading to their patio to enjoy some fresh air. Their conversation almost immediately jumped to the back the shed, and what they had brought home. A couple sips of coffee later they decide to head into the garage and take a closer look. Beth went to the carpets first and picked one at random while Doug picked out a container that looked like it had the head of a monkey. The rug, once unrolled, bore a rather bland pattern of colors that were so vivid that they may have been dyed only a few months ago. Only the ends that had been exposed while the carpet had been rolled up were faded and rotting. She laid it out on the floor and called Doug over to look. He carried the monkey headed jar he had been studying over to her and whistled with surprise when he saw how bright the inside of the rug was. Beth shook her head and gave her theory about the rug. She told him that it was cheaply made so the exposed bits were deteriorating, and the covered parts would last maybe a week before catching up if they left it unrolled. They turned their attention to the jar then. Doug spun it in his hands looking at the barley sculpted monkey head, and then tipped it so that he and Beth could look for a name, date, or at least some logo on the bottom. They found none. Lifting it again they heard something rattle inside of it, so Doug began to pull and twist at the top. When it finally came off there was a sort of popping sound, and inside was what looked like two dried and salted prunes.
“Ha!” Doug blurted out as he grinned, “They were trying to can their fruit. They should have gotten a mason jar and a set of instructions though.”
“Yea, stick your fruit in a clay jar and put it in self storage. Guaranteed to keep your fruit fresh for hours, go ahead, try some.” Doug’s smile grew even bigger with her sarcasm. Letting his own sarcasm out he set the jar aside and made his way to the box.
“Let’s see what’s so important that they have to cover it with a billion little pictures.
He tried pulling the top off but had no luck. He tried sliding it up, down, and side to side but it still held fast. Joining him, Beth asked for a look and began doing all the same things as he stepped aside. Unlike him however, she noticed a small separate clay shaft just below the lip of the lid wiggle a little as she yanked and pulled. She let the top go, and tried sliding the shaft. With a muted clicking sound the top popped up about an inch. Pulling the top off, she exposed the sole content of the box. The ugliest doll the young couple had ever seen. Slightly larger than a Cabbage Patch Kid, the doll was made out of what liked like paper mache and was to stiff and hideous to give any little girl brave enough to pick the thing up any comfort. The face was drawn on with the same obvious lack of skill displayed on the jars, with black circle eyes under a pair of half moon eyebrows and over two dots for the nose. The mouth was nothing more than a thin straight line marked on with little care. Doug reached in, snatched out the doll before Beth could object, and made it dance on the bench in front of her as he sang out in a silly voice;
“Hello, I’m Ugly Dolly! Do you want to be my friend?”
“Stop it! That’s disgusting!” Beth tried to scold as she laughed.
“Oh, come on. Give me a kiss!” With that he brought the doll up to her face and made the doll kiss her cheeks.
“Eww, it smells like… It smells gross! Get it away!” She swatted at it and giggled.
“Sorry babe, it only wanted a kiss. Isn’t that right ugly doll?” With that he pulled the doll up to his mouth to kiss it. “Oh man, it does smell. It’s like… wet leather and garlic breath.” He finished as he wiped his mouth and laid the doll back into its box. After that they opened the other jars. One with a dog like head had what must have been a dried tomato, the jar with the bird top held a clumpy mess of God knows what, and the jar with a head looking suspiciously like Elmer Fudd held a dried fig. Not having the urge to see just what the fruit would do to their digestive systems, he dumped them into the trash can.
The next morning after a night of Beth tossing and turning they decided that they would take the items to Beth’s brother’s antique shop for an appraisal just in case, then probably take it to the dump. When they got their truck to Jeff’s shop and brought it in, Jeff had a good laugh about them having spent five hundred dollars on the garbage. To Beth’s request however he did agree to take a serious look at the items. He quietly and thoroughly looked at both the carpets and jars to humor them, while the other two browsed the gallery. When they got back to Jeff, he set down the jar he had been examining and shook the look of disbelief from his face.
“It’s the real deal. These, the carpets and the Canopic jars, are Egyptian from ten hundred BC at the soonest, but not likely to be any older than fifteen forty BC.”
“Canopic?” Beth asked, “We dumped some dried fruit out of them last night, but it couldn’t have been that old could it?”
Jeff looked at her in a shocked silence for a few seconds before exploding in laughter.
“You dumped them out? Holy crap! It wasn’t fruit, they were organs. Probably the lungs, stomach, liver and intestines. Thank God you didn’t eat it!”
“Ok so we messed up, and that’s disgusting” Doug said sheepishly, “Let’s talk about the doll and the box. If those were organs in the jars for whatever reason, that’s not really a doll, is it?”
“Fraid not. The Canopic jars are used to hold the organs while the rest of the body gets mummified. The Canopics and that sarcophagus are part of the burial process and the rugs were likely offerings. None of it is in top condition and judging by the lack of craftsmanship it wasn’t anyone of great importance to a lot of people, but it was a baby who hade some significance to enough people to give it this kind of burial. Bad shape or not, this stuff is priceless, so why the hell was it in a neglected storage shed?”
“More importantly, I can’t believe you made me kiss a dead baby, Doug! That’s nasty. I even dreamed I was breastfeeding that thing last night!” Beth yelled without any of the humor she intended.
After a brief burst of laughter from both Doug and Jeff, he apologized again and reminded her that this stuff was priceless; they only needed to find a buyer. Jeff told them that he would ask around about who might be a collector willing to spend a bunch of money, and also looked for someone who could translate the pictures he’d taken from the top of the box.
Doug and Beth packed up and stored their treasure with far greater care than they had before. They spent the rest of the day leisurely sipping wine and making plans on how they would spend their millions. The trick now would be to keep patient while they waited for Jeff’s call. He had told them that as soon as he had found an appraiser he would let them know where to bring the goods. As night fell, they drank, laughed, ate dinner, made love, went to sleep, and Doug dreamt.
In his dream, Doug was being hunted through a barren wasteland. He knew it was a dream, which should have been enough to wake him, but instead he dreamt on, feeling very real pain and fear. Soon the pursuers had him trapped at a cliff giving him the option to jump, or to face them. Turning around he saw that what had been after him was a jackal, a baboon, a falcon, and a man. The four were in a semi circle around him and slowly closing in.
“I am Imseti,” said the man, “I travel with my brother; Duamutef the jackal, Qebehsenuef the falcon, and Hapi the baboon. You have stolen what belongs to us.”
Doug turned, jumped off of the cliff, and fell, and fell, and fell.
Beth jumped from a deep black sleep into perfect alertness when Doug screamed. Turning on the light, she looked over just in time to see him hide his eyes from the light as he gasped for breath.
“What the hell was that? You scared the life out of me! Are you alright, your drenched with sweat” She finished as she put her hand to his forehead and decided that he didn’t have a fever.
“It was a nightmare” he explained. “I was being chased by those canithingies that the dried fruit was in. It was horrible.”
“Canopics. Are you ok? Can I do anything? And it wasn’t fruit babe.”
“You can get me some water, please.”
She agreed and climbed out of bed. After taking only a couple of steps towards the door she stopped and Doug watched all of the blood drain from her face. He began to ask if she felt alright when she suddenly slapped her hand over her mouth as she made for the bathroom with the speed and agility of a professional athlete.
By the time the sun rose, they were on their second cup of coffee and slice of coffee cake. She had been sick to her stomach, but the worst was over and she was already feeling better. The morning went on as most mornings do with them, but with more optimism than usual. At about ten they called Jeff and asked if he had heard any news. He told them that he had and that they should expect an appeaser named Dennis Hensley to arrive at their home at about five that night. He also told them that if they hadn’t already, they needed to return the organs to the Canopics. Doug and Beth were a little embarrassed about not having thought of it on their own. Once in the garage where they had dumped the organs into the garbage, they found the garbage can on it’s side with the trash that had been in it spread out in front of the opening. Doug mentally kicked himself for not having covered the old dog door on the side of the garage. It wasn’t the first time raccoons had made it inside to forage. This time it looked like the animal had cost them more than time. This time it may have cost them millions. After sorting through the mess and looking around outside the dog door to see if any of the organs had been left behind, they gave up and decided to call Jeff. Not surprisingly, Jeff got a good laugh out of it. He told them that it would cost them some money, but they would still make out well enough. He also recommended that they cover up the dog door, especially because they didn’t even have a dog. Doug nailed a board over it.
That day they spent most of their time cleaning the house and making small talk about big plans. They new it wasn’t wise to make spending plans before they got any money, but what the hell. They also pondered who had abandoned the stuff in the first place. Just because they legally bought the shed’s contents, were the contents legal to sell? Had they been stolen? They decided to not worry about it unless it became an issue. As far as they were concerned, it was a square deal.
When Mr. Hensley arrived and they got the formalities of introductions and getting drinks out of the way, they told him up front about the lost organs. Dennis clucked his tongue, shook his head and told them that it would be worth considerably less without them. He told them that either way it would be worth a great deal of money. That was all they needed to know. They brought him to the garage where they showed him the artifacts. All three of them stood in silence as he took his time examining it all. He went maticuluosly over the Canopics, unrolled each carpet, and seemed to look closley at every square inch. Finally, he examined the sarcophocus and the mummy. When he finished he explained to them that it was likely from a small community in fourteen to fifteen hundred BC. It was a baby of course, and probably on of great importance to them. The craftsmanship was poor, but that was because of the community social status in the region. The finer work was reserved for the aristocricy. It was the hyrogliphics that he was the most interested in. He explained that the general writing on a sarcophogus or in a burial tomb was a collection of prayers written to help the diseased cross over to the afterlife. This baby however had something far different written on his, as Jeff had told him it had. Like Jeff he needed time to figure it out, but it appeared to be a form of prayers to keep the mummy away from the afterlife, and away from this life as well. It looked to Mr. Hensley like it was an attempt to keep the mummy as nothing more than a mummy. Still, fifteen million would be a fair asking price. Doug and Beth cared nothing for the detailes; they just wanted the whole kit and caboodle sold. Again that night they made love until they slept. Once asleep, Doug dreamt.
Doug was once again chased through a barren dessert by unseen objects of terror. Again he ran through the same landscape to the same cliffs edge, knowing all the while that he was trapped in a horrible dream. Cornering him this time was not animals however. This time he found himself trapped by four beautiful women. The four olive skinned women appeared to be identical quadruplets wearing identical red gowns. The identifying trait that set them apart from one another were their strange headdresses. One wore a crown shaped like a basket, one a golden scorpion, one a shield crossed with arrows, and the last wore a golden thrown.
“We are the mothers of war, health, nature, and magic. We are the guardians of the charge you have stolen.” Lectured the one wearing the shield and arrows.
“I didn’t steal anything! I bought it out right. I don’t know who left it and it isn’t my fault!” Doug cried in a panic.
Now the one with golden basket on her head stepped forward,
“I am Nephthy, goddess of nature. You have stolen our charge, but you have also freed it. For too long we have waited.”
Doug stood silent and unmoving. The woman wearing the scorpion took a step joining Nephthy and spoke,
“I am Serket. Goddess of health. You have given me the opportunity to heal the sting of death.”
Joining her stepped the woman with the throne.
“I am Isis, the mother of mothers. Your charge is my child. Your woman has already consumed his soul and taken him upon her now fertile womb.”
Gesturing toward the woman wearing the shield and arrows, Doug presumed her to be ‘war’, Isis continued,
“Neith will spare you unless you fail. Failure will not be tolerated. If you do not fail your rewards will be infantine.”
Doug looked from woman to woman, and then woke up as though he had gotten an electric shock.
The sound he woke to wasn’t one he would have expected, or liked. It was the sound of Beth vomiting. He went to the bathroom to make sure she was alright. When she had finished and told him that she didn’t know what had brought it on, he helped her clean up and helped her back to bed. There, he told her about his two dreams but left out the part about Beth having ‘consumed’ the soul in fear that she might picture herself eating the dried fruit than wasn’t fruit and begin vomiting again. He asked how he could have learned the names before, because he knew nothing about Egypt
The next two days Beth and Doug went to three storage shed auctions, where they won nothing, and they waited to hear from a potential buyer. The third day they finally did. Jeff brought Mr. Newman by, who Jeff had told them over the phone was rich and ready to by. Mr. Newman looked over the goods beginning with the Canopics, then the rugs, then the sarcophagus. When he opened it, Doug Beth and Jeff gasped in surprise. The mummy that had previously been full and whole was now reminiscent of a dirty and deflated balloon. The rags that had been the wrappings were still all there, but the baby’s body that had filled it out seemed to have dissolved into nothing. Mr. Newman examined the rags for at least five minutes before coming to the conclusion that the exposure to air and handling had turned it to dust inside. The mummification process of the poor Egyptians was nowhere near as reliable as that of the rich. Furthermore, the lack of organs in the Canopics, and the new condition of the mummy would cost them greatly. He offered Doug seven million dollars, and Doug replied with ten. Newman again offered seven, and Jeff yelled ‘sold’ before Doug or Beth could even reply. A check was written, hands were shaken, and Mr. Newman left with his merchandise. Jeff, Doug, and Beth dressed up and went out to the finest restaurant they knew of, stopping at the bank along the way.
At their table at Finn’s the three toasted with their Champaign
There was a lot of confusion as to why her birth control had failed, but the doctor explained to them that sometimes it just happened. That was the difference between ninety eight and a hundred percent reliable. The doctor joked that they must have done it ninety nine time, but no one laughed. The decision was that now that they had the money, why not have a kid. It wasn’t like they needed to rush out and find work after all. With the decision made, the two grew more excited every day. This wasn’t true about the night however.
Every night they both dreamed that the four goddesses were telling them that they would be the parents of the New World , or they dreamt that they were raising a baby that was perfect in every way except that it had a black head of a jackal. Every morning they woke confused as the dream quickly faded, and never once did they clearly remember enough of it to speak of or be bothered by.
When the time passed and the baby was due, Doug had a final dream. This time it was only he and Isis alone in the desert. Isis spoke;
“Soon my child will be born. It will be a great and terrible time for man. My child will go by the name of Anubis and he will open the gateway to the other side.”
“What’s on other side?”
“Death. The dead will be free to walk the earth, and the living will join them in death. Eternity will be achieved and my son will be king. His time is now.”
With that, Doug woke to Beth using some of the worst words that he had ever heard her speak. Through the expletives she told him that her water had broken and he needed to get her to the hospital. Twelve long and agonizing hours later was born a boy that wasn’t a boy. One nurse fled the room making retching sounds when she saw the child’s dog like head. The doctor worked passed the shock long enough to cut the fleshy umbilical chord that connected the child beast to its mother. Once cut, the earth shook and the gates to the after life were open.
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